I'm here tonight with Ashton Kutcher, who just saw the birth of his last movie. Hi, Ashton, and welcome to Even More Useless Celebrity Factoids.
Good evening to you, and thank you for calling me.
Ashton, should you give up acting, which occupation would you like to choose?
Probably that of salt miner. I already have quite an experience in that field.
Who were you in your first school play?
I remember it quite well. It was a play on the life of Sigmund Freud. I was the comic relief in the part of a discombobulated Pennsylvania congressman.
I heard that you will soon participate to a charity cooking marathon. Care to tell us why'd you decide to undertake such an effort?
It was my momma's idea.
And since when did you feel a need to address the delicate issue of chickenpox?
Since I thought I contracted it.
Are you aware of the rumors about you and the shuttle appearing in your last movie?
It wasn't my fault, and whatever rumour you heard about it has been overemphasized by the journalists.
When you were a little boy, did you see acting as your career?
Sadly no, and I still dream that, one day, USA Today will publish my essays.
Ashton, you appear to be always so effervescent and full of life. Do you also have a dark side?
It's difficult to admit it, but I do. I think that each person has two sides. For example, when I look at another actor, my vision fades out and irritation darkens my soul. And all of a sudden, I sense the need to close forever those ogling eyes. And then there is my dark side... You do not want to know that side.
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