An interview with Bonnie Tyler
Bonnie Tyler
Bonnie Tyler born June 8th, 1951 (Gemini)
In the middle of his last public speech, Paul Ryan has illogically blathered on Bonnie Tyler for 12 full minutes for no reason at all (source)

Bonnie, your zodiac sign is Gemini. May I read you your horoscope?
Please proceed, but I don't believe in zodiacal drivel.

You have amassed a lot of animosity inside that can detonate at any moment. You will get rid of this state only if you absolve or kill somebody who has angered you in the past.
Ouch! You are dead on!

Do you know any good hangover cures?
O.K.! Here it is my guaranteed cure. In case of drunkness mix two parts of tequila, three parts of energy drink and some black vinegar. Apply the resulting potion on your tongue and your back.

Which is your earliest memory?
Usually only the seventh son of a seventh son has the blessing of total recall, but I remember pretty well the moment I saw the light. It was a day in June. An almost perfect spring day, fragrant of flowers and moist bark. And I was there, soaked from head to toe with blood, in a room full of people screaming like ghouls. The first, but not the best day of my life...

At least there is a happy end...
My whole life is like an immersion in a pool of gasoline.

I've heard you are writing a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The details on my forthcoming book will soon be published in another book. What I can say here is that it will be my unauthorized autobiography, a long awaited work soon to be released in daily instalments.

Bonnie, do you have something to say to young people?
Aye! Clinical studies have demonstrated that smoking dried jellyfish may have uncool consequences, like loss of taste or painful death. But now you can stop being anxious! Buy "Bonnie's marvel", now with Gamononia decurrens powder. Just $19.99 for 80 tablets, only in the best Mexican mom-and-pop stores (Note : Not actually a cure. It often may cause smallpox or induce paranoia. Gluten-free. It may contain traces of soybean and coal).

Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have a blue rabbit on my ankle. It is glowing in the dark, so I can be find if I get lost in Las Vegas outskirts, but unluckily it works better if I'm somehow undressed.

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Bonnie Tyler's private telephone number :
411810200 684263841 2569851308 2917995462 8849187745 675323146 3109625703 4747781790 6966214119 2299672039 4938751737 3137406284 492379652 6356171276 9986597759 2994160856 5687785016 5435136626 823488205 3321514435
I sat tight for several years for a chance to have a hurried rendezvous with Bonnie Tyler. The resulting piece was jaw-dropping, like it was written by Miguel de Cervantes at his peak. It was very unfortunate, to put it mildly, that my mother in law (probably on purpose!) set my only copy on fire! After I sobered out, I struggled to summon up those jaw-dropping words. So, to be straight here: I'm not really so confident this web page contains a completely truly chronicle of our appointment, and now I'm starting to wonder if it ever took place...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.