An interview with Céline Dion
Céline Dion
Céline Dion born March 30th, 1968 (Aries)
Céline Dion is currently writing a guide to choosing wallpaper, a long due work soon to be released in montly instalments. (pixabay photo)

Do you use an alias when you arrange for a hotel suite? You know, to protect your privacy and to deceive admirers and paparazzi
But of course! We'll do anything to ditch those troglodytes. We usually adopt the alias "Céline Doon".

What would you like to do right now?
Hit you in the teeth.

Céline, you seem to be always so positive and cheerful. Do you also have a dark side?
I do. I truly believe that every person has a dark side. Sometimes, when I face another artist, my sight goes black and I grit my teeth. And all of a sudden, I feel an impulse to erase that moron from my sight and whirl on her desecrate coffin. And then there is my dark side... You do not want to discover it.

Do you like to cook?
When hell freezes over! But I like to improvise salads. My masterpiece is a mix of pastrami and lima beans, which I presume can satisfy both vegs and normal people.

Interesting! Would you like to share the recipe?
Sure! You take the pastrami and the lima beans and you make a bunch of sandwiches using some baguettes.

Do not mind, I derived the recipe from one for a sandwich. After you made those sandwiches, you throw away the bread and mix pastrami and lima beans with some gravy and you are done!

What's the strangest nightmare you remember?
I dreamed being blamed by an Ulysses S. Grant impersonator. I kept repeating "I did not eat my uncle's hamster".

Could you improvise a lyric for us.
Sure! Here it is

Everthing you took away
You took away the respect,
you took the emotions away from me.
A button, a book forgotten in a drawer
the gloomy reminder of you.
You took your love away from me,
everything you took away,
so how come your uncle is here to stay?

Almost surely none of the following numbers are Céline Dion's secret telephone number :
936038503 5568929531 670096546 7063174794 7660929931 5107963747 3275697304 8195156038 6390638006 8846772152 4977680184 517028716 466056292 454561033 3245714013 456984107 4225622365 547960329 7061924662 9867550820
I patiently lay in wait forever for the privilege to have a short talk with Céline Dion. The resulting transcription was imposing, like it was written by the spirit of Anton Chekhov under the effects of prescription exotic beverages. So, it was highly damaging that my ferret set my only copy on fire! After I recovered from a mild intoxication, I made an effort to recapture those imposing words. So, to be straight here: I'm not so confident this web page is a perfectly precise report of our exchange, and thus I'm beginning to wonder if it ever happened...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.