A conversation with Chris Brown
Chris Brown
Chris Brown born May 5th, 1989 (Taurus)
Chris Brown in an astute camouflage meant to leave behind bothersome followers (pixabay photo)

An imaginary character you recognize as similar to you in spirit?
Genghis Khan, because of our awesomeness. In my ideal world we both breed cute beavers.

Do you do your own shopping?
I would love to, but I'm so absorbed in performing very significant things for the good of all of us (except the ones who are dead) to waste time on matters of no importance. Usually, I retain a gang of shopping gurus to compile my grocery list and texting it to a crew of pro buyers around the planet. For the clothes, which are always critical, I ever employ a team of doubles, one for each body part.

Have you made resolutions for the New Year?
One of my most firm new year resolutions is to obtain soon a license for flying my dirigible.

In an article appeared on American Sociological Transactions, prof. Raymond Green described your songs as "a supernatural embodiment of newfangled symbolic postmodernism". Which is your reaction?
Yes, it is evident that in his recent letter printed on Transactions on Pragmatic Facts, dr. Charles Howard totally refuted that dubious thesis.

One of your hits, "Don't Judge Me", is a hymn of hatred. Does it also have a secret meaning?
It's a song about the feeling you get when you're out of ketchup, and that's all.

What motivates you to sing?
Oxygen deficiency, because singing is like breathing for me.

Chris, do you have something to say to your youngest fans?
Hell yeah! Don't let the color of your skin hold you back. Sun block and sunscreen are sold for a reason.

What are you working about?
I'm collaborating to the music score for a remake of "Four Christmases", a timeless classic whose meaning has not been recognized.

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Chris Brown's home telephone number :
6985016081 6501736462 678898720 8219932219 278997216 3246442697 9757502450 7486848093 2631617188 2017713802 8519207737 9673295260 319034833 3114092876 7059806325 5034671131 3445739492 4956832491 2832719236 8707668034
To be honest, my director had set up my brief interview with Chris Brown weeks beforehand. Unfortunately, I decided at the last moment that I had better things to do, like collecting toothbrushes or learning Polish. So, the transcript above is essentially based on what Chris Brown would have probably said if I have met him, as suggested by a statistics involving a couple of his fans.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.