A conversation with Donald Trump
Donald Trump
Donald Trump born June 14th, 1946 (Gemini)
Donald Trump likes to imagine that in a parallel universe he is a squirrel (pixabay photo)

President Trump, your first executive orders have been strongly criticized. Do you have other tricks up your sleeve?
When people will be distracted by Oscars, I promise I will make mosquitos illegal. I remember that Kanye West wrote, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work".

Your agent told me you are just back from a political tour in Tibet. How was your stay?
To be honest, I spent 3 full weeks in a Tibetan monastery before I saw daylight and realized it was not the Sheraton hotel. However, I learnt to bend fire, just a little.

Do you ever Google yourself?
Not so often anymore. Say every day or so. But lately Google says "Including results for Donald Tramp", who happens to be an archaeologist from Los Angeles. That's quite saddening, but not as much upsetting as finding that according to Yahoo my name is similar to a terrible vulgarity in Klingonese.

Which is your favorite snack?
Vegetarian burgers with applesauce, a rice grain, two mushrooms, and a bit of vermouth.

President Trump, you surely know that only 3 countries (USA, Myanmar, and Liberia) in the whole world do not use metric system. Have you planned something in this regard?
It is inconvenient that so many states don't envision the advantage of buying apples by the bushel or selling a gallon of water. So I plan to bribe the governors of Gondor and Elbonia to urge them to adopt the US customary units. Today Elbonia, tomorrow Botswana.

I've heard you are writing a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The actual details on my forthcoming book will soon be published in the book itself. What I can say now is that it will be my unauthorized autobiography. It will be tattoed on arms and legs of 700 volunteers that will be freed in Centennial.

If happiness were an animal, what would it be?
Probably a ferret. A big, fat, placid ferret, well fed and sleepy in a summer breeze.

Donald, which is your favorite fruit?
I call it "Donald's marvel". During one of my famed wanderings in the Amazon basin, I uncovered an unremarkable new shrub, now named Caradantilla antipoda, that blooms only every 4 years. It then gives fruits whose flavor reminds of watermelons and cigarettes. You have to be rich enough even to unlike it...

Almost surely none of the following numbers are Donald Trump's home telephone number :
9341479179 4689584225 2872318620 798888674 962976660 5856350451 2514658669 246696481 8658408983 3909023519 403345211 5395572373 4333861370 6746172409 6615651663 9028501349 7045583886 9809405255 9262781755 5909650022
My little talk with Donald Trump has been planned for days. The resulting transcription was impressive, like it was written by the spirit of J.D. Salinger under the effects of unhealthy beverages. So, it was awfully deplorable that my mother in law shredded my only copy! After I put myself together, I struggled to recall those breathtaking words. Actually, to be frank here: I'm not so sure this web page contains an entirely accurate account of what transpired during our interview, and thus I'm beginning to ask myself if it actually was real...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.