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A conversation with Ellar Coltrane
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Ellar Coltrane
Ellar Coltrane born August 27th, 1994 (Virgo)
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Ellar Coltrane in a clever costume meant to lose aggravating supporters (pixabay photo)

If you could choose someone to reincarnate in, who would it be?
I'd have to say Terminator.

Not to offend you, but you know that that's not a real person, right?
YOU ARE NOT REAL!

Which is your earliest memory?
I have a very indistinct and strange remembrance. I'm in an almost endless room filled with wooden crates. An old man moves a large wooden box with some black words blazed on it and disappears in a corridor.

Well, I believe this is a scene from the movie "Riders of the Lost Ark".
Pfft! To be frank, yesterday night I dozed at a rerun.

I've heard you are about to publish a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The details on my imminent book will soon be printed in another book. What I can divulge here is that it will be a guide to choosing dental floss, a long awaited work soon to be released in daily instalments.

Do you know any good cough cure?
Yes, here it is my sure treatment for cough. Mix three parts of fernet, one part of ground coffee and some gravy. Put the resulting concoction on your wrists and your tongue.

Who were you in your first school play?
It was rather humiliating. It was a play on the life of Kurt Vonnegut. I played a carrot: the director was drunk most of the time.

Ellar, if I may ask, how do you invest the considerable fortune you make?
Well, I invested my fortune in a super-clever scheme devised by a financial genius named Charles Punzi, a mastermind of high-yield investment programs (whatever it means). I can give you his phone, but I wasn't able to reach him in the last few weeks.

There is no possibility any of these is Ellar Coltrane's secret telephone number :
778440224 3902523716 9802741931 377960521 8583405144 8550013384 8320374144 2484950707 9678846373 494163926 5536002739 2378696975 371426601 6287799495 8603286193 2122449762 3342814501 589840045 9327600173 8119531176
To be honest, my boss had patiently arranged my short meeting with Ellar Coltrane many days beforehand. Unfortunately, I fall asleep watching the DVD of "Spice World". So, the transcript above is mainly the recollection of a dream I had following a dinner of beans and raw broccoli.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.