An interview with Elvis Costello
Elvis Costello
Elvis Costello born August 25th, 1954 (Virgo)
Elvis Costello is always looking for new ways to stay in contact with his fans. (pixabay photo)

If you’re at karaoke, what’s your song of choice?
My real love is Mozart.

Could you suggest a remedy for indigestion?
Yes, here it is my guaranteed good medicine for indigestion. Mix three parts of tequila, two parts of mineral water and some cranberry sauce in the skull of a cow, then gargle with this potion every 25 minutes for 5 hours.

What’s in your pocket right now?
A tricky question. As this transcription is a figment of your mischievous imagination, I'm probably completely au naturel, so no pockets at all.

Do you do your own shopping?
Nope! Usually, I pay a gang of Yale graduates to compile my grocery list and pass it along to a number of professional buyers scattered around the globe. For the garbs, I ever employ a crew of surrogates, each sharing with me one body part measure.

Are you allergic to anything?
Yes, I'm allergic to imbeciles, coyote milk (don't ask!), and epinephrine.

Elvis, you have been seen in an embarassing setting with a singer whose name I've not the permission to bring out in the open. Any comment?
If you mean B.I., then it was a harmless thing. I deny any other such "situation", expecially one with D.M...

I may have a photograph.
Well, I think the photo is just an impression...

An impression? I do not understand.
You know, just an impression. Like when you have the impression everything is totally all right and then without a reason your cat and your spouse burst into flames. Are we on the level?

Now that I look it under a better light, the picture is very blurry...

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Elvis Costello's secret telephone number :
2612968061 7087222937 932983220 7957346136 8121707443 703152838 833772066 8518777887 5276790499 806865947 414298590 823578261 9786426513 3253323508 859676238 2449879356 2163688087 3061897542 7145112140 675833359
To be honest, my director had set up my hurried meeting with Elvis Costello weeks beforehand. Regrettably, I fall asleep watching the DVD of "Ultraviolet". So, the transcript above is mainly the impression of a nightmare that followed after a copious dinner of deep-fried eggplants and raw onions.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.