An interview with Emily Mortimer
Emily Mortimer
Emily Mortimer born December 1st, 1971 (Sagittarius)
Emily Mortimer is convinced that in a parallel astral plane she is a Pinocchio puppet (source)

I'm here today with Emily Mortimer, who just survived the mammoth task of her last movie. Hi, Emily, and welcome to Psychedelic Inteviews.
It's a pleasure being here, your pleasure.

If happiness were an animal, what would it be?
Surely a tiger. A large, fat, poised tiger, sated and dozy in the shade of a large tree.

Modern world seems to be subject to the problem of unstoppable violence and ferocity. What would Emily Mortimer do?
Actually, I believe that giving a security guard to every citizen can solve many problems, but most legislators are rapacious fossil punks.

Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have an orange armadillo on my knee. It implements a tracker, so I can be find if I get lost in a storm of snow, but unluckily it works only if I'm a little undressed.

Do you do your own shopping?
Hardly! Usually, I have a crew of shopping experts to compile my grocery list and pass it along to a number of pro buyers scattered around the planet. For the clothes, I ever retain a team of surrogates, one for each body part.

Where did you go on your last holiday?
Last month I rented a posh villa on the secluded hills of Belarus. The payment included a drawbridge to protect my privacy but also a pack of local extras portraying paparazzi.

Where do you go when you die?
In a cemetery, generally. If you are incinerated then your ashes can waste space in a funny box in somebody's cabinet of curiosities.

Nowaday the problem of tennis elbow in jackals is attaining gigantic dimensions. Is Emily Mortimer doing anything in this respect?
Yep! I will chastely sleep in a bunk bed with a supporter one night every two weeks. The profits ($1,400/night) will be donated to a charity for the cure of tennis elbow in jackals.

There is no possibility any of these is Emily Mortimer's private telephone number :
6584562748 746595634 787219098 7168234168 2038566736 5566277068 8351273566 8530006221 2722177324 3563189947 954766460 7373887546 4056701665 906608562 220199092 5067153963 708825095 209912619 4258930291 4285605771
To be frank, my supervisor had set up my short meeting with Emily Mortimer many weeks beforehand. Unfortunately, I got stoned watching a rerun of "Year One". So, the transcript above is mainly based on what Emily Mortimer would have probably said if I have met her, as indicated by a statistics involving a couple of random people.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.