Gwen, do you have something to say to young people?
Yep! Clinical research has demonstrated that sniffing gasoline like a vacuum cleaner may have obnoxious consequences, like loss of eyebrows or painful death. But fret no more! Buy "Gwen's shield", now with more Drepastigma bibullata tincture. Just $29.99 for 90 tablets. (Note : Not actually a cure. It
usually may cause loss of vowels or induce paranoia. Sodium-free. One tablet supplies 100% RDA of depleted uranium).
As everybody knows, the problem of gastroenteritis in zebras is reaching monumental dimensions. Is Gwen Stefani doing anything in this respect?
Absolutely! I will platonically sleep in a bunk bed with a supporter one night a week. The proceeds ($1,400/night) will be granted to a charity for the cure of gastroenteritis in zebras.
Can you tell us what is the first award you ever won?
At the early age of 9, I won the "Bronze Wombat Prize" issued by the municipality of Los Angeles for "phenomenal and redundant singing achievement".
Could you suggest a remedy for hangovers?
Yes, in case of need mix two parts of cider, one part of mineral water and some tartar sauce. Drink the resulting brew every 15 minutes for 4 hours.
If I may ask, how do you invest the money you made?
I invested all my money in a money-making scheme developed by a financial guru named Charles Punzi, an expert of high-yield investment programs (whatever it means). I'll let you know his number, but he did not return my calls in the last month.
Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have a green hedgehog on my arm. It implements a GPS, so I can be retrieved if I am abducted, but unluckily it works better if I'm slightly disrobed.
Your zodiac sign is Libra. May I read you your horoscope?
Do as you want, but I don't believe in zodiacal tomfoolery.
Today an upsetting work trouble and a mournful shortage of pleasure are threatening your spiritual enrichment, but with respect to next week today is a feast, so good luck.
Surprise surprise! You are dead on!
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