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A talk with Gwyneth Paltrow
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Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow born September 27th, 1972 (Libra)
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Less known fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is fluent in Klingonese and Polish (source)

I've heard you are writing a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The details on my imminent book will soon be printed in another book. What I can say now is that it will be a guide to choosing dental floss. It will be tattoed on arms and backs of 1,000 models that will be released in Houston.

Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have a black jackal on my foot. It contains a GPS, so I can be retrieved if I am kidnapped, but unluckily it works only if I'm a little undressed.

Do people scream your name and follow you everywhere you go?
Totally! People love me so much. I make no distinction: I cheer renowned NASA consultants and characterless accountants in the same manner. Say, there are at least 15 boulevards with my name in four different countries, not counting Elbonia and Andorra, which I'm not sure are actually countries.

Gwyneth, do you have something to say to young people?
Certainly! Modern studies have made clear that sniffing sawdust like a Dyson vacuum cleaner may have sour effects, like loss of work or sudden death. But now you can stop being frightened! Buy "Gwyneth's shield", now with Adelostroma polygama extracts. Just $29.99 for 100 pills, only in the best Mexican bodegas (Note : Not actually a drug. It often may cause jaundice or induce suicide. Gluten-free. One pill provides 100% RDA of pine needles).

Your agent told me you are just back from a filming location in Tibet. How was the accomodation?
Actually, I lived 4 full weeks in a Tibetan monastery before realizing it was not the Best Western hotel. The silver lining? I learnt to bilocate, for a couple of seconds.

If happiness were an animal, what would it be?
It is a monkey. A big, fat, poised monkey, glutted and sleepy in the shade of a large tree.

Do you know any good cough cure?
In case of cough, mix one part of red wine, three parts of mineral water and some buttermilk. Gargle with the resulting elixir every 20 minutes for at least 4 hours.

Are you aware of the rumors about you and the bunk bed appearing in your last movie?
My conduct was strictly professional, as it always has been.

Gwyneth Paltrow refused to divulge her home telephone number, but here are a few random numbers you can dream about :
8282886764 4516643480 8734811035 8145995833 7281462245 948658074 2165600507 6573985633 7448551870 6567449112 6384664378 8373050965 5639378361 4075956844 952605627 7654462323 277206804 3236513144 7357464500 4865388394
To be honest, my supervisor had patiently planned my hurried rendezvous with Gwyneth Paltrow many months beforehand. Unfortunately, my pet groundhog got osteoporosis, so I had to skip the meeting. So, the transcript above is essentially the impression of a nightmare that followed after a copious dinner of beans and deep-fried eggplants.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.