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An interview with Helen Shapiro
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Helen Shapiro
Helen Shapiro born September 28th, 1946 (Libra)
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Helen Shapiro is presently composing her unauthorized autobiography, a monumental work soon to be released in montly instalments. (pixabay photo)

Could you improvise a poem for us.
No problem! Here it is

The squirrel of despair
The eerie squirrel of despair
gobbles on the cloudy mountains of desolation
while I look in the eye this life emptiness.
If only it had been the pork of despair
we could have bacon at least.

I heard that you will soon be busy with a charity cooking marathon. Care to tell us why'd you decide to undertake such an embarrassing effort?
I had to. Because of the astral conjunction, you know.

And how long have you been feeling an urge to fight argyria?
Between you and me, I couldn't care less about it.

Do you do your own shopping?
You're crazy! Usually, I retain a number of Harward graduates to elaborate my grocery list and e-mail it to a bunch of professional buyers spread around the planet. For the clothes, I ever hire a number of stand-in, one for each body part.

If you’re at karaoke, what’s your song of choice?
Apart from my own songs, to get the crowd pleased I always make an encore of "Marlene on the Wall" by Suzanne Vega.

Where will you go on your next vacation?
For my next holiday I leased an exclusive palace on the secluded hills of Atlantis. The only complication was making a transfer in Linden dollars to the amiable landlord from Russia that contacted me about affair.

What motivates you to sing?
Lack of air, since to sing is like to breath for me.

Which is your next musical adventure?
Next week I'll release a vinyl-only esoteric recording of heavy metal covers of Pavarotti greatest hits, sung in Bosnian, Javanese and Hungarian. I have no doubts it will be the apogee of my career.

Helen Shapiro refused to divulge her private telephone number, but here is a list of random numbers you can dream about :
2222686601 657708209 2562962461 8445506178 7121704802 833118985 461392729 7580413046 630885052 9415955316 625518887 4698393865 7218263684 4140569322 444613781 3034070844 8263399690 904522850 300463971 7025864255
Singers are frantic people. It's not easy for them to schedule an interview. So we decided to leave Helen Shapiro alone and obtain the interview above without her help. Therefore, this web page is an an algorithmic transcription we obtained employing a computer simulation of Helen.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.