A conversation with Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal born December 19th, 1980 (Sagittarius)
Jake Gyllenhaal in an astute costume meant to confuse annoying paparazzi (pixabay photo)

If I may say so, Jake, you are also well known for your particular requests when staying in hotels. Is it true? Can you explain us why and maybe make an example of something you usually ask?
Lately I've found that I can't stay anywhere without a kitten or purple glow-in-the-dark underwear made of feathers delivered everyday to my suite.

Jake, have you made resolutions for the New Year?
My plan is to obtain a special license for navigating my submarine.

If I may ask, do you have any particular fear?
Yes, I do! I have developed an unreasonable fear for Teddy bears, on account of a strange accident happened to my aunt. I'm also scared by tigers, but that is quite common.

Which is your favorite brand of toilet paper?
I can't wipe my private parts with common brands anymore. My personal toilet paper is obtained from the petals of Macanaria absoluta, an elusive parasitic orchid which grows only in Borneo.

How do you invest all the dough you made acting?
I can tell this: when Pepsi Twist will be in vogue again I will have my revenge.

Could you tell us something about your ongoing project?
Naturally! I'm on the set of the remake of "Highlander II", a real classic whose relevance has not been acknowledged by the public.

What have you got in your pocket?
Dear me! This is a tricky one. As this talk is a fantasy of your mischievous mind, I'm probably totally undressed, so no pockets at all.

Did you ever participated in a séance?
Aye! But just once. It was an extremely unsettling experience. Suddenly, the ghost of Rene Descartes manifested and revealed that almost surely I'm the reincarnation of a neighbor of Charles Dickens.

Almost surely none of the following numbers are Jake Gyllenhaal's home telephone number :
6952639016 6731604226 6590667363 6809525751 9459813846 5725534342 8917088159 3729336142 9149804719 3562263651 5635096410 884296982 6314664216 4839858113 583621579 6523621434 506205299 6088079793 8670331881 7154830148
My director had patiently planned my interview with Jake Gyllenhaal many months beforehand. Unfortunately, my pet rabbit got migraine, so I had to skip the appointment. So, the transcript above is essentially based on what Jake Gyllenhaal would have probably said if I have met him, as indicated by a telephonic poll involving a couple of random people.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.