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A conversation with James Spader
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James Spader
James Spader born February 7th, 1960 (Aquarius)
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The amused mien of fans who have crossed paths with James Spader (pixabay photo)

Do you like to cook?
Certainly not! But I like to design salads. My gem is a mix of beef jerk and seitan, which I think can satisfy both vegs and normal people.

Interesting! Would you like to share the recipe with us?
Surely! You take the beef jerk and the seitan and you make a bunch of sandwiches using some baguettes.

Sandwiches?
It does not matter, my recipe derives from one for sandwiches. So you make those sandwiches, then you dispose of the bread and mix beef jerk and seitan with some butter and there it is!

James, what's your vice?
Surfing on the less traveled corners of Internet when I'm supposed to work. Well, probably you are going to condemn me for that. Luckily another vice of mine is not giving a shit.

James, do you have something to say to young people?
Sure! Modern research has made clear that sniffing sawdust like a Dyson vacuum cleaner may have unpleasant long-term consequences, like loss of money or sudden death. But fear no more! Buy "James' miracle", now with more Globucypha livida syrup. Just $39.99 for 100 tablets. (Note : Not actually a drug. It often may cause albinism or induce suicide. Sugar-free. A tablet contains 100% RDA of snake oil).

Apart from acting, is there something in which you beat everybody else?
You know, I can balance a toothbrush on my nose for at least 20 seconds.

Do you know Justin Jones (a former importer, now a gymnastics coach) from Vancouver?
Not personally, but my aunt has been briefly betrothed to him. Then there was some commotion about Justin having affairs with every woman in a radius of 40 miles, so their engagement came to a sudden end.

Your agent told me you are just back from a filming location in Tibet. How was the accomodation?
To be frank, I spent 3 weeks in a Tibetan monastery before realizing it was not the Sheraton hotel. Funny thing: I learnt levitation 101.

Almost surely none of the following numbers are James Spader's home telephone number :
410564679 7947623641 274472874 7534048616 2474188771 7529810860 3328164904 9788332521 216168610 883862338 630694277 8080145851 8684844479 4696822528 9170197344 8979123360 3091056623 3236082746 2211151519 6578877574
I queued up forever for an occasion to have a little meeting with James Spader. The resulting article was mind-boggling, like "The Chronicles of Narnia" rewritten by Tarzan. It was very lamentable, to put it mildly, that my armadillo (on purpose!) shredded my only copy! After I dissimulated devastating emotions, I attempted to recall those magnificent words. I want to be straight here: I'm not so confident this web page contains an entirely truthful account of what transpired during our meeting, and so I'm starting to ask myself if it actually happened...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.