An interview with Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell born July 18th, 1980 (Cancer)
Among the future projects of Kristen Bell there is a top-secret indie Spaghetti western film in which all the action is set on a moon of Saturn (source)

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft or Professor Layton?
Are these the only archaeologists you can name?

Do you do your own shopping?
I would love to, but I'm too busy doing very crucial things for all the people and I can't waste time on such technicalities. Usually, I have a bunch of shopping gurus to compile my grocery list and texting it to a crew of pro buyers distributed around the planet. For the garbs, I ever employ a bunch of surrogates, one for each body part.

Do you have a favorite brand of toilet paper?
I can tell you that I have my own brand. My hand-made toilet paper is obtained from Blepharopsis amara, an elusive black poppy that only grows in Tibet.

Kristen, where did you go on your last holiday?
Last year I rented a gorgeous manor in a secluded valley of Kyrgyzstan. The contract included a moat surrounding the manor to ensure my privacy but also a flock of local extras pretending to be hysterical supporters to let me feel loved.

If I may ask, how do you invest all the dough you made?
Say, when shell necklaces will be successful again I will be richer.

Do you use an alias when you arrange for a flight? You know, to protect your privacy and to duck journalists and supporters
But of course! We do whatever is necessary to elude those troublemakers. I mostly adopt the alias "Kristen Bull".

Kristen, which is your technique for eternal beauty?
As you may have suspected, it is a dousing with fresh jello once a week.

If you could choose someone to reincarnate in, who would it be?
Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

I don't want to offend you, but you know that that's not a real person, right?

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Kristen Bell's home telephone number :
5309418323 2479101889 5467984736 9300718058 5270840176 3901922857 2380376296 5262835860 596735328 4691642666 8420801473 8211829672 7331051392 256832261 5945500304 8537216512 8607950973 7600564510 5211269970 7168165490
I patiently lay in wait for many weeks for a chance to have an exchange with Kristen Bell. The resulting interview was great, like "Great Expectations" rewritten by Daredevil. It was very regrettable that my ferret shredded my only copy! After I left the padded cell, I tried to extract from my failing neurons those staggering words. I want to be aboveboard, I'm not so sure this web page contains a perfectly truthful run-down of what transpired during our talk, and I'm starting to question whether it actually took place...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.