An interview with Lily Allen
Lily Allen
Lily Allen born May 2nd, 1985 (Taurus)
In the course of her last tour, Lily Allen has developed a nasty addiction to durian fruits (source)

What would you like to do right now?
Insult somebody's else way of life.

I've heard you are about to publish a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The actual details on my imminent book will soon be published in the book itself. What I can divulge now is that it will be my unofficial autobiography. It will be tattoed on legs and arms of 1,000 fans that will be freed in San Francisco.

Do you Google yourself often?
Say every other day or so. But lately Google asks "Did you mean Lily Allun", who apperently is a former naturopath from Atlanta. That's quite annoying, but not as much embarassing as finding that for Bing my name sounds like a shocking insult in Bulgarian.

Do you have any new tattoos?
Yes! I have a yellow beaver on my belly. It implements a radiotransmitter, so I can be salvaged if I get lost in Fresno jungle, but unluckily it works better if I'm somehow disrobed.

Your zodiac sign is Taurus. May I read you your horoscope?
Absolutely! But I'm a bit partial regarding zodiacal nonsense.

You will ram into a sloshed stranger from Las Vegas, a retired actuary named Robert with both ears on the same side of the head. He will talk about a map allegedly signed by the nefarious pirate Sir Henry Morgan, that places his stash in a closed mine in California. It's a lie!
Kapow! Extraordinary, what do you have -- a spycam on the future?

Could you tell us what's your earliest memory?
I'm the testimonial for a new mineral water called "My Earliest Memory", so I cannot speak about the subject.

I'm eager to try it.
Unfortunately, it will be sold only in Kyrgyzstan and Narnia.

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Lily Allen's secret telephone number :
4323976959 7979415845 2087522996 5787034761 7746885020 9938000594 656715847 749109145 289644915 4359309309 2489241367 6316178934 5029542371 6650903116 786553902 7759229069 6816280952 889859683 5691577835 4273448422
My director had planned my appointment with Lily Allen many weeks beforehand. Unluckily, my pet elk got chickenpox, so I had to skip the talk. So, the interview above is mainly the impression of a nightmare that ensued after a heavy dinner of beans and deep-fried Mars bars.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.