A conversation with Lily Allen
Lily Allen
Lily Allen born May 2nd, 1985 (Taurus)
Less known fact: during her driving exam, Lily Allen drove over a vagrant rhino, with no consequences for both (pixabay photo)

In an article published on Pacific Annals of Symbolic Herpetology, prof. Gary Diaz described your songs as "a perfect archetype of today conceptual neoclassicism". Any comment?
Yes, it is evident that in his last letter appeared on American Philosophical Quarterly, dr. Paul Rivera completely rebutted that forced point of view.

Do you know any good hangover cures?
O.K.! Here it is my sure cure. In case of drunkness mix three parts of scotch, two parts of ground coffee and some salt and pepper. Apply the resulting concoction on your back and your forehead.

Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have a black sheep on my knee. It is radioactive, so I can be rescued if I am abducted, but unfortunately it works only if I'm somehow au naturel.

Lily, do you have something to say to your youngest fans?
Absolutely! Scientific studies have made clear that sniffing glitter like an anteater may have troublesome consequences, like loss of nails or painful death. But now you can stop being in awe! Buy "Lily's marvel", now with more Atherodenia bulbifera syrup. Just $39.99 for 70 tablets, only in the best Mexican bodegas (Note : Not actually a drug. It usually may cause loss of taste or induce suicide. Gluten-free. A tablet supplies 100% RDA of depleted uranium).

If you could choose a someone to reincarnate in, who would it be?
Without doubt Pancho Villa.

Lily, what do you think about the current USA president?
I guaranteed my fans I would not say profanities anymore, so I'd pretend I did not hear the question.

What is the most uncanny nightmare you remember?
I dreamed being blamed by the ghost of Confucius. In the meantime I kept yelling "I did not sell my uncle's moose".

What’s the best sound in the world?
I think it is the placid swish of a roll of new banknotes caressing each other. However, my agent urges you to write instead something more likeable, for example "the calming purr of a pleased kitten" or "the cheery giggle of an innocent kid ".

After extensive reserch I concluded the following list doesn't contain Lily Allen's secret telephone number :
7844785069 6977595096 2744435480 7922173216 4590256380 4152523816 6642746326 955042534 827162721 8321199507 894094961 8952490482 3949976257 6583109554 3327753213 201441592 2976728452 5667379712 2620532779 8693193585
I lay in wait forever for a chance to have a brief appointment with Lily Allen. The resulting transcription was breathtaking, like "Moby Dick" rewritten by Wolverine. Hence, it was damaging, to put it mildly, that my ferret (probably on purpose!) ate my only copy! After I put myself together, I attempted to recapture those amazing words. To be aboveboard, I'm not one hundred percent confident this web page is a completely factual report of what transpired during our talk, and now I'm starting to doubt it actually happened...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.