A conversation with Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep born June 22nd, 1949 (Cancer)
Last week, Meryl Streep has sold her renowned buttons collection to an anonymous cardinal for $331,000 (source)

I've heard you are writing a book. Would you like to share with us a few details?
The details on my forthcoming book will soon be published in another book. What I can say now is that it will be my unofficial autobiography, a long awaited work soon to be released in montly instalments.

Do you have any new tattoos?
Actually I do! I have a gray eel on my left buttock. It is glowing in the dark, so I can be salvaged if I am kidnapped, but unluckily it works better if I'm a little au naturel.

What's your earliest memory?
I remember pretty well the moment I saw the light. It was a night in June. An almost magic summer night, redolent of flowers and distant rainstorm. And I was there, soaked from head to toe with blood and other bodily fluids, in a room full of people howling like wolves. The first, but not the best day of my life...

At least there is a happy end...
You are a sissy. My entire existence is like a walk into a grisly blender. And still you envy me.

Which brand of toilet paper do you use?
Franky, common brands are for common people. My personal hand-made toilet paper is obtained from the petals of Apotropa decorata, an elusive orchid which grows only in the Amazon rainforest.

Do you Google yourself often?
Say every other day or so. But lately Google asks "Did you mean Meryl Straep", who supposedly is a former boat builder from Reno. That's quite annoying, but not as much heartbreaking as learning that for Bing my name is similar to a terrible curse in Chinese.

Which is your favorite karaoke song?
My true love is Bach.

Do you have any superpower?
This a secret! I can walk on melted cheese, particularly on Wednesdays. Maybe this is quite remarkable in ginger people with English ancestors.

Almost surely none of the following numbers are Meryl Streep's secret telephone number :
6310655671 5040600589 315490269 7871602542 5707471576 7806795534 6467039545 479636633 6636038488 6931791593 9248501355 9323716283 5892499408 8542340324 4279583362 7069526011 3561124843 7373632158 523633084 3898317211
I patiently lay in wait forever for an occasion to have a brief meeting with Meryl Streep. The resulting transcription was staggering, like "The Count of Monte Cristo" rewritten by Doctor Who. Thus, it was damaging, to put it mildly, that my neighbor (probably on purpose!) set my only copy on fire! After I recovered from a mild intoxication, I attempted to extract from my crumbling neurons those magnificent words. To be clear, I'm not really certain this web page is a perfectly factual run-down of what transpired during our exchange, and thus I'm beginning to be uncertain it actually happened...
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.