A talk with Vanessa Paradis
Vanessa Paradis
Vanessa Paradis born December 22nd, 1972 (Capricorn)
By reason of a bizzarre accident happened to her uncle, Vanessa Paradis has developed an irrational phobia for zombies and a rational one for séances (pixabay photo)

Which is the first award you ever won?
I won the "Tin Opossum Medal" assigned by the municipality of Milwaukee for "outstanding and redundant musical exhibition" at the early age of 5.

Do you do your own shopping?
I'm too absorbed in performing very significant things for the good of all of us (except the ones who are dead) to waste time on such trifles. I have a number of experts to elaborate my grocery list and pass it along to a group of professional buyers scattered around the world. For the garnments, always a critical issue, I ever employ a gang of doubles, each sharing with me the measure of one body part.

Have you ever participated in a séance?
Yeah! But just once. It was an extremely tormented experience. Suddenly, the ghost of Mark Twain manifested and hypothesized that I'm probably the reincarnation of Mozart's greengrocer.

What is the most uncanny dream that you remember?
Not actually a dream: I found myself in an empty gloomy space. A rotten odour in the air. Then I realized I got hammered at a screening of "The Love Guru" in a faded movie house near Los Angeles.

If happiness were an animal, what would it be?
Surely a dog. A large, fat, placid dog, replete and somnolent in the summer shade.

Which is your favorite brand of toilet paper?
I can't wipe my privy bits with industrial products. My hand-made toilet paper is obtained from Glicisia macrocarpa, a rare black poppy that only grows in Bhutan.

According to some witnesses, you have been in a compromising situation with a star whose name I've not the authorization to release. Care to comment?
If you mean A.W., then it was a totally harmless thing. I deny any other "situation", expecially one with G.K...

I may have a picture.
Well, the photo has probably appeared spontaneously...

Spontaneously? I do not understand.
You know, some casual photons spontaneously conjured a totally random picture in which you wrongly recognized me. For example, given the right conditions, your partner or your cat could "spontaneously" explode. Are we on the level?

I was joking, there is absolutely no picture...

Here is a list of numbers I have already excluded from being Vanessa Paradis' secret telephone number :
8718331480 3614319694 7461730317 2975976727 3494507039 4166391987 4425226807 4549897297 5669795390 461228891 989809483 7710527868 9524073934 9277533176 8536651044 5472964630 5144020872 374208510 6593377983 9531965523
I have a confession to make. My boss had patiently planned my hurried appointment with Vanessa Paradis several weeks beforehand. Regrettably, my pet tiger got amebiasis, so I had to skip the talk. So, the interview above is mainly based on what Vanessa Paradis would have probably answered if I have met her, as indicated by a statistics involving a couple of her fans.
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NOTE: the above interview may not reflect reality.